I’m Officially Fat: Time for a Healthy Choice Giveaway

Congratulations are in order.  Because I have accomplished the impossible.  I now weigh what I weighed when I returned home from the hospital after giving birth to twins ten years ago.

Yes, it’s true.  What it took nine months and two actual human being growing inside of my body to accomplish, I’ve managed to do all my own!!!

Yay me.

In case you, too, would like to achieve this milestone, here’s how I did it:

1. The Internet -I spend five to six hours a day sitting on my butt staring at the computer screen writing for this blog, or for TravelingMom.com.  Or podcasting or posting for Blogging Angels. Or working on the business plan for my soon-to-be-announced new venture.

Which all means that my butt is completely mushy, but my fingers are in remarkably good shape – -what with all the typing.

2. Orlando – Now I’m not complaining, but I just went on a three night all expense paid trip to the super luxurious Waldorf Astoria in Orlando. (yes, you read that right, Orlando, Florida has a Waldorf.  And yes, it really is super luxurious, not tacky luxurious.)  The trip was basically eating punctuated by events that involved little to no physical exertion: massages, shopping, lounging by the pool. (you can read all about it here.)

So – and I repeat – I AM NOT COMPLAINING – But (you knew there was going to be a butt but.) all of that eating, and OK, drinking, my two trips to the empty and well-equipped Waldorf Astoria gym notwithstanding, did not do a lot for my bottom line.  Well, it did a lot.  Just the wrong a lot.  If you know what I mean.

3. Trader Joe’s.  Trader Joe”s:  I love you.  I love your prices.  I love your vibe.  I love your funny little signs.  Sadly, I also love all of your nut-filled (i.e. fat filled) trail mixes.  Damn you, NY Landmark Preservation Society.  Had you acted faster, Trader Joe’s would not be tempting me with it’s delicious snacks!

4. My Kids’ Laptops – Before my kids were required to bring their laptops back and forth from school, I walked them to school, then walked home, then walked back to school to get them, then walked home again.  For a grand total of  5.5 miles.

Now, they have laptops.  And even with the wheely bags, it’s too hard to schlepp across the park. So now the kids take the school bus, I walk the dog for 30 minutes, and then it’s back to the computer – aka sitting on my ass.

5. Me.  I am not above taking responsibility for my own actions.  I eat too much.  I don’t exercise enough.  So sue me. Please. Because a law suit, that might cost me so much money I wouldn’t have anything left for food, and I would LOSE weight.

So what am I gonna do about it?

1. Zumba Fitness® Classes -A few weeks ago, I went to an event for the Zumba Fitness® videogame for Wii, Playstation Moe, Playstation® 3 and Xbox Kinect.  I tried it.  It was hard.  It was fun.  It was really really good exercise.  And since – with the new game – I can do Zumba Fitness® in my living room, I will no longer have the excuse of not being able to get to the gym.  See the new Zumba Fitness® game (and yes, they told me I have to keep on using that little copyright symbol EVERY SINGLE TIME I SAY ZUMBA, I mean Zumba.®) lets you pick the length of your routine, the difficulty level, the music – even the setting.  And you get to dance around like a lunatic without anyone getting to see your jiggly bits.(like Niecy Nash says)

Check it out:

I like this idea.

When the Zumba Fitness® Game finally comes out,On November 18th, I will buy it — yes, with my very own money.  And I will do it.  Not only to lose weight, but because it was fun.  Yes – I have called a form of exercise fun.  Call the papers.  Or the FBI – someone has kidnapped my exercise hating self.

Until Novmeber 18th, until, that is, the Zumba Fitness® Game is available,  it’s the gym for me.  And ballroom twice a week, and yoga.  Because there are no Zumba fitness® classes during the day in NYC, and daytime is my workout time. Just the way it is. Plus, by the time November 18th rolls around, I’ll have – well, less rolls around, and I won’t feel so awkward playing the game.

And how will I have lost the rolls?  By replacing one meal a day with a Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers frozen entree.

Full Disclosure:  I am going to use my Healthy Choice coupons for free frozen diet food that actually tastes…like food!  That actually has an ingredient list with a normal number of perfectly pronounceable ingredients. (I like the mushroom risotto) And that has – wait for it – NO PRESERVATIVES.

And because I am so nice, I’m going to give away a few of those coupons too.  Leave a comment below – telling me what caused you to need to eat Healthy Choice, and I will send two lucky winners two coupons each for a free Healthy Choice entree. (If you just leave a “I want to win” comment, you won’t be entered. )

So – wait – I’m going to eat right, and exercise?

Call the papers!

Contest open to US residents 18 and older. Contest ends Oct 22nd at 11pm eastern.  Two winners will be picked at random by random.org.

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Stomach Flu: Where are you when I need You?

Yes, it’s true – I’ve been gone a while.

Why?

Oh — I don’t know.  Maybe it’s the VIRULENT stomach flu coursing through my entire family.

Even the dog threw up.  Seriously.

First it was my son.  On vacation. In Florida.  Perfect weather.  Beautiful Gulf of Mexico waters.  We stayed inside for almost the entire time.  He was being sick to his stomach.  I was expanding mine.

I mean, really, what else was there to do stuck in a condo with a sick kid while my husband and other kid went out to the beach and the pool and on a bike ride? Eat!!! (And no, I don’t blame hubby.  Sick kids (at least mine) want their Mommy when they’re sick.)

Then we got home.  Two weeks of family togetherness…finally coming to an end!

That’s when my daughter got the stomach flu.  Then my husband. (the worst patient of all….but let’s not go there, shall we?)

We’re going on three weeks of someone in my family being sick to his or her stomach.

In other words, three weeks of me spending WAY too much time at home near the refrigerator, the pantry, the stash of Halloween Candy that never got eaten.  Seriously.

All that Swine Flu and Pneumonia for nothing!!!  At least after that I was thin. And I kept off half of it until this round of illness.

Now what I want to know is…where’s the colon cleansing stomach bug when I need it?  Where’s the quick route to weight loss that I crave?  Nope, it’s back to counting points and weighing portions.

Ugh.

Happy Spring and summer is just around the corner and I’m gonna have to put on a bathing suit everybody!

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The Post I Would Have Written If I Had the Time

I don’t really have time to post today:
Sick dog (for a change)
Stinky Dog (just bathed him. fun fun fun)
Daughter needs socks brought to her at school on the other side of town. (don’t ask)
Dryer broken
Going back to Yoga (finally…I hope)
No food in house. (though I did get Fresh Direct yesterday…so I don’t really get it) Must go shopping.
Actual (paid) work assignment to complete. (shocking, I know.)
Much incredibly smelly laundry (sick dog is pooping inside again. Fun fun fun.)

You’re all jealous now, right? Because I have such a wonderful life.

And now, as a complete non-sequitor, the Today Show is in the background, and they just announced that marriage makes you fat. Yay! Single women gain 11 lbs over ten years. Married women gain double that. But God bless Piers Morgan…he just announced that he thinks that’s great. He wants his model-thin girlfriend to bulk-up. I think I’m in love.

ANYHOO- here’s the post I would have written if I had had the time. It pretty much sums up how I’m feeling today. And while you read it, imagine me doing lunges. That’s what I did. (Imagined me doing them. I didn’t actually do them. Puh-lease. Did you see that list of things I’ve got to do?)

Click and read. Click and Read.

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Weight Watchers Weigh In Update #2

OK, OK, so I’ve been on the diet for four weeks and this is only the second time I’ve updated.

I’ll give you the scoop:

Week One: Followed the points TO THE LETTER (number?) No cheats.  No counting the exercise points.

Down 1.4

Week Two: Same as week one.  Only used a few of my discretionary points

No loss/No gain

Week Three: Total disregard for the entire thing

Down 1

Week Four: Paid attention: sort of.   Went out to one big restaurant (read: buttery) meal. Never wrote down anything

Down 1

SO – it doesn’t seem to matter what I do.  If I follow the diet, I lose a pound.  If I don’t, I lose a pound. Maybe it’s kinda like wearing exercise clothes all day:  you might not have made it to the gym, but don’t you still get credit for looking like you did?

I don’t get it.  But I don’t care: Down 3.4 in four weeks.  Not exactly stellar, but I’ll take it.

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Weight Watchers Weigh In Update #1

Weight Watchers.

The two most terrifying words in the English language.  (Though I suppose that “Compassionate Conservative” and “Hairy Back” might be contenders.)

And yet here I am, once again, doing the WW.  Counting the points, weighing the portions,trying to decide if a deck of cards (the proper size of a serving a meat) is the same size as the giant hunk of leg-o-lamb I’ve just plunked on my plate. (that would be NO.)

Full disclosure:  a publicist from WW gave me three months of Weight Watchers for free.  I figured that if I can’t follow the program and lose the weight when I don’t even have to pay for it….Well, then I might as well  just accept that “trying on bathing suits” will forever remain the four scariest words in the English language.

Today was my second weigh-in.  Week two.  Week one, I lost 1.4 pounds.  Not bad.  Not great, but not bad.  So week two, I decided to be extra careful: I weighed everything.  I wrote everything down.  And you know what?  I stayed the same.  EXACTLY the same.

It’s better than a gain, I know.  But still.  And this was a week where I skied, worked out with a trainer, took yoga, took a dance class, took a ballroom dancing lesson AND dieted. What else am I supposed to do?  Cut off my left arm from the elbow down and use it to beat the pounds off of me?

It was also a week where I went out to breakfast with a friend.  Here’s what I had: one poached egg (2 points) and one piece of dry whole wheat toast (2 points).  Here’s what she had: a three egg (one yolk only) mozzarella and tomato omelette , french fries, and two pieces of whole wheat toast slattered in butter.

Now, here’s what she looks like: five foot four, one hundred and ten pounds, size four or six.

And here’s what I look like: five foot seven, NOWHERE NEAR one hundred and ten, or even one hundred and twenty, and lets face it, it’s been 20 years since I’ve seen 130 pounds.  Size eight or ten.

Sometimes, life just isn’t fair, is it?

Straight after my weigh-in, I went to Loehmann’s to  – TRY ON BATHING SUITS.  I figured, hey, I’m already depressed about my body, why not go all out and make myself downright dismal???

I had already been to the world famous Town Shop last week, trying on Karla Coletto suits, and that hadn’t gone well.  I have sung the praises of her bathing suits before, but this time around.  Well, let’s just say it didn’t go as well.  The bathing suits are still beautiful.  Still fabulously designed.  I will admit, I look better in a Karla Coletto bathing suit than I have a right to. BUT (and it’s a big but – not to be confused with my big butt), this year, the suits were see-through.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t intentional – but they were showing a whole lot more than I feel comfortable showing.  (Or that you’d feel comfortable seeing, believe me.) For $200 and up, I expect a fabric that at least doesn’t show my (theoretical) tan lines through my suit. Or, let’s be frank, the depth of my bikini wax. So no Karla Coletto for me this year.  I’m looking on the bright side: this way, I won’t be tempted to spend $200 plus on a bathing suit!

ANYWAY – so there I was in Loehmann’s, and  as I entered the (communal) dressing room, I see my naturally (and preternaturally) thin friend, J.  (And as you read, remember, she’s a FRIEND) She takes one look at my armful of bathing suits (size 8’s, I might add – it’s not like I was kidding myself) and says “Are you going to fit into those?”

Youch.

I suppose the proper response would have been: “Are you going incredibly mean, incredibly unfeeling, or just a bitch?”  Or maybe “Are you going to go through puberty ever?  And get breasts?”  But no, all I said was:  “Well, I’m on Weight Watchers.”

All I can say is, it better work.

So check in every Wednesday for a Weight Watchers update. I let you know if I’m up or down, and I’ll tell you what’s working and what’s not.  Hey, maybe it’ll keep me honest, and finally, finally, get me to lose those ten pounds I’ve been struggling with for the past twenty years!

If you have any great Weight Watchers knowledge to impart – well, let me know.  Evidently, I need all the help I can get.

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What A Trip!

I’ve been back from my 23andMe super-secret-special-project extravaganza trip for some time now.  I’ve been basking in the glory that was four days away from household chores, drop-off, pick up, and frigid temperatures. I did miss my kids and hubby, tis true, but it was a small price to pay for a little solitude, a bit of fun, and a whole lot of information about personal genome testing.

But my giveaway jacket is chocolate brown!

Since I am still bound by the 23andMe code of secrecy, I can’t tell you too much about why I was there and what I’ll be doing for the company.  I can, however, tell you that while I was there I scored an ENORMOUS amount of swag.  One of the cutest things I got was the little jacket pictured here (only mine is chocolate brown)., by wati design.  Sadly, it’s a size two.  Too small for my 8 year old daughter.  But that’s where you come in: leave a comment below, and you could win this gorgeous little embroidered size 2T blazer, sure to make any little girl look like a million bucks.  (Just make sure to leave your email so I can find you if you win.)

Keep reading and I’ll tell you more about the rules and regs at the end of the post.

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Weight Weight Don't Tell Me

I hate people who sigh and say “I’m never HUNGRY in the summer. It’s so HOT. I ALWAYS lose weight.”

Oh yeah?

I’m always eating in the summer (who said hunger has anything to do with it?), when it’s hot, I need ice-cream, and I ALWAYS gain weight.

For this reason, I have never invested in a digital scale in the country. In the city, I weigh myself obsessively, to the tenth of a pound. But here, I have an old-fashioned spring-scale. I already know it’s low — but even though I mentally add two pounds to whatever it says, I do like seeing that lower number. Plus, when I tilt my head just so and see those little black lines at the right angle, I lose three pounds. Just like that.

It’s a delusion, I know, but a happy one. Until today.

Today, I got on the digital scale at the gym. Notice I was at the gym. I ran four miles on Saturday, three miles on Monday, and still went to the gym today. And though I’ve been feeling a little flabbier in the middle, I didn’t think things were that bad.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA. (Do you get it? It’s diabolical laughter.)

Today the digital scale said I have gained anywhere from 2.5-3 pounds. (I can’t say for sure, because it depends on whether I’m counting the post-workout, post bathroom, totally naked weigh-in, or the “I just woke up weigh-in,” or the I’m about to go out so I’ll weigh myself so I’ll eat less weigh in, or the ever popular “I need a little dose of self-loathing” weigh in.) Either way (weigh?) it’s a gain.

Now 2.5-3 pounds may not sound like a lot to some of you. And to you I say — I don’t give a crap if it doesn’t sound like a lot to you. For me, a three pound weight gain takes me from “Gee it would be nice to lose 6-7 pounds” to “I really need to lose ten pounds.” Not good. Not good at all.

So what did I do? I had a frozen boca burger (tasty, actually) and a tomato for lunch. (Anyone have any ideas for the surplus of tomatoes in the garden? And if you say “with fresh mozzarella” I will find you, deep fry you, and eat you for a snack.) Then, for dinner, I will have a Weight Watchers Salted Cardboard Entree. (I mean frozen. Did I write salted cardboard?) And as a snack, later tonight while I watch the impossibly perfect bodied Olympians compete, a bowl of bran cereal.

Why bran cereal? That way, tomorrow morning, I can do the post-workout, post bathroom, totally naked weigh-in on my own scale, tilt my head just so, and I’ll have lost five pounds. Just like that.

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